Last fall, on September 8th, I saw two lines on a home pregnancy test. Faint but they were there.
On September 17th, we gave up hope that the pregnancy would last.
In my gut, I knew there was a reason the lines on the many pregnancy tests I took were not getting any darker. It didn’t stop me from looking for reassurance on the Internet that it was possible that it meant nothing, a full term pregnancy could still happen. But deep down, I knew.
Blood was drawn and each time, I had to tell the nurse why.
“I think I’m losing my baby”
Today is recognized as Infant & Pregnancy Loss Rememberance Day. Unfortunately, this affects more families than I think most people are aware.
In the grand scheme, I believe I was fortunate that my experience wasn’t as bad as it could have been. It happened very early on. I sensed something wasn’t right from the beginning. I didn’t suffer physically. We got pregnant again only a few weeks later. So many have it much worse.
My heart aches for those whose circumstances are more trying. Even when you know you didn’t do anything wrong or that there was a reason your baby didn’t survive, there is a hole in your heart that won’t ever be filled.
The hardest part for me is the wondering. Was that baby a boy or a girl? Would there be as much resemblance to Brooke? What milestone would be reached today or tomorrow?
There are times I feel like its wrong to have those thoughts. After all, if that baby had survived, Leah wouldn’t be in our lives and its hard to imagine life without her.
But its only natural to wonder about what could have been and it doesn’t mean I don’t treasure Leah with every ounce of my being.
Tonight, folks around the world will light a candle at 7pm their local time, participating in the International Wave of Light to honor and remember those babies lost in pregnancy or early in their short lives. I will be doing so and invite you to as well.
Have you or someone close to you experience the loss of a pregnancy or infant? Feel free to share your story in the comments.
